The following column is satire and intended for entertainment purposes.
(RNN) - Week 5, and what a week it was for Alabama. Is Nick $aban leaving or staying? Has Texas contacted him or not? Why would he go? Why would he stay?
What does he eat for breakfast? Two Little Debbie snack cakes, every single day? How weird is he, anyway? Why does anyone care?
This whole $aban-to-Texas thing and $aban himself have been analyzed more than a Stanley Kubrick film, and The Line King is, quite frankly, tired of it.
Focus, people!
The Line King views college football teams with the sort of dispassion that commodities brokers regard pork bellies and orange juice futures. The Line King is focused, and just look at his ROI:
Week Four: 6-3-1
Season: 23-17-1
Games of Sept. 28
South Carolina @ UCF +7.5: UCF Check List…stomp Akron, check; stomp FIU, check; stomp Penn State, check…wait, what? Pundits say never go against The Visor so The Line King will.
South Alabama @ Tennessee -19: Really, just 19 points against a program that is about three weeks old? How far have the Vols fallen? With a win, this gives Tennessee the inside edge for their first Sun Belt Conference title and a spot in the R+L Carriers Bowl.
LSU @ Georgia -3: In the ultimate contrarian play, take the Hedges over the Bayou. It's the antithesis of the classic "sandwich" game. The Dawgs laid an egg last week and have a cream-puff schedule from here on out; and please, all of you Tennessee fans don't say a thing.
Mississippi @ Alabama -16.5: Again, classic contrarian play. Everyone loves Hugh Freezer, and the Black Bear is all giddy about returning to the Cotton Bowl. No one, and I mean no one, outside of the 205, 334 and 251 area codes likes Bammer, so take the Tide.
Florida @ Kentucky +14.5: At some point Kentucky has to cover against an $EC team, right?
FAU @ Rice -13.5: Rice gets a second chance after the greatest onside kick ever.
Texas A&M @ Arkansas +3: Arkansas' loss to Rutgers last week fully debunked the theory that $EC teams are manned by superior human beings. Mike $live sent out his official warning letter to the Hogs.
Arkansas St. @ Missouri -21.5: Missouri proved last week it can pretend to be an $EC team when the $live-heat is on to perform.
UAB @ Vanderbilt -19.5: Although UA's B team is still in the running for the FCS playoffs, The Line King will sit with the Vandy fan this weekend. Goodness knows, he needs some moral support having gone 1-3 against the number so far this season.
Wyoming @ Texas State +10.5: Ironically, Texas State is coached by former Bammer coach Dennis Franchione (remember those two years?), who resigned from Bammer for Texas A&M… hmmmm.
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